This weekend at work was rather hard and extremely sad...
I came into work Saturday morning and was told to go to the emergency room for my shift. I got report, introduced myself to the nurses that I would be working with and the day started... After a couple of hours, one of the nurses and I were talking about graduation and post graduation plans when it came up that she had worked pediatric oncology right out of school -- which is exactly where my heart and my passion is right now. We spent some time speaking about the unit at Vanderbilt, when I mentioned one of the patients that I had cared for a lot over the past couple of months. I was using this patient as an example of why I wanted to go into oncology when the nurse proceeded to tell me that this patient has passed away last week... I was shocked and devastated all at the same time.
Then it came out that three of my other patients had also passed within the last couple of weeks. While I understand that death is a part of life, I cannot explain the loss that I have felt these past 24 hours... Patients that I had become close to...families that I had worked along side...other nurses that had fought for these patients' lives... In oncology, as well as any intensive care setting, you go into work every day knowing that you are fighting a battle -- our battle is cancer. You go to every shift wondering if this time you will win or lose... Most every time you leave a shift, you feel better knowing that you changed a life...but now, four of them are gone.
I never cease to be amazed at how God works... Today, as I walked down the halls of the sixth floor -- I was reminded of various moments with these patients, and my heart began to break. I know that I have a calling...and I am determined to answer that calling...but at times like these, I believe that it is human nature to ask questions. So I stopped at the nurse's station to say hello to a friend of mine, when I looked down to see a card with the picture of one of the patients that had died. Next to his picture was a poem that a family member had written...I read it and felt God's presence, hugging me and telling me to press forward -- and to keep the faith... I wanted to share it with you all...this little one was only 11 years old.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!"
Oh how I long for the day when there will be no more tears, no more pain, nor cancer, nor death...only life. And life with the one who conquered it all...
Until then...keep praying for these children, and for the ones who care for them. Each time I walk into a room and see one of these children, I say the same thing over and over to myself...
I came into work Saturday morning and was told to go to the emergency room for my shift. I got report, introduced myself to the nurses that I would be working with and the day started... After a couple of hours, one of the nurses and I were talking about graduation and post graduation plans when it came up that she had worked pediatric oncology right out of school -- which is exactly where my heart and my passion is right now. We spent some time speaking about the unit at Vanderbilt, when I mentioned one of the patients that I had cared for a lot over the past couple of months. I was using this patient as an example of why I wanted to go into oncology when the nurse proceeded to tell me that this patient has passed away last week... I was shocked and devastated all at the same time.
Then it came out that three of my other patients had also passed within the last couple of weeks. While I understand that death is a part of life, I cannot explain the loss that I have felt these past 24 hours... Patients that I had become close to...families that I had worked along side...other nurses that had fought for these patients' lives... In oncology, as well as any intensive care setting, you go into work every day knowing that you are fighting a battle -- our battle is cancer. You go to every shift wondering if this time you will win or lose... Most every time you leave a shift, you feel better knowing that you changed a life...but now, four of them are gone.
I never cease to be amazed at how God works... Today, as I walked down the halls of the sixth floor -- I was reminded of various moments with these patients, and my heart began to break. I know that I have a calling...and I am determined to answer that calling...but at times like these, I believe that it is human nature to ask questions. So I stopped at the nurse's station to say hello to a friend of mine, when I looked down to see a card with the picture of one of the patients that had died. Next to his picture was a poem that a family member had written...I read it and felt God's presence, hugging me and telling me to press forward -- and to keep the faith... I wanted to share it with you all...this little one was only 11 years old.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!"
Oh how I long for the day when there will be no more tears, no more pain, nor cancer, nor death...only life. And life with the one who conquered it all...
Until then...keep praying for these children, and for the ones who care for them. Each time I walk into a room and see one of these children, I say the same thing over and over to myself...
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Again, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..." "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
And at the end of the day...I find peace.
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